When freedom becomes too much
K. came to me with a story I hear so often: he had told his partner M. that he wanted to live openly. She had agreed. But then, when he really fell in love, when he really entered into a relationship with another woman, everything fell apart for M.
“I was scared.”, She said, „I had always felt that it wasn't just about the physical aspect. And at some point I said: Okay, just do what feels right for you. But I was so scared.”
The two sat next to each other in the constellation seminar. “I cannot give her what she needs.”She has a great need for security, and I cannot fulfil that,“ he said.”
When they faced each other in the constellation, I said to M.: “You cannot convince him. And he cannot convince you. You cannot negotiate this together; sometimes love alone is not enough. Sometimes you have to accept that the other person's way of life is not compatible with your own.”
Sometimes relationship types just don't fit together. Not because someone is wrong, but because the needs are so different that compromise is no longer possible.
“I respect your boundaries and I respect your life movement” is a profound acceptance of what is.
Traumatic experiences of separation, different needs for security, or simply different life plans can cause a relationship to fail. Recognising this is not a weakness – it is a strength.